I Never!
by Lady Netiri
Summary: With zany authoresses, a perverted monk, demon slayer, school girl, hanyous with tempermant issues, various other guests, and our poor abused host and muse, we put the 'fun' in dysfunctional when we add in alcohol!
1. How it all Started

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Disclaimer: I don't own any of the IY gang. I also don't own any beer (nasty stuff, I think) nor do I support getting somebody madly drunk. It just so happens I thought it would make a funny game show and knew it would and/or could never happen in real life because of severe controversy. (do I know what that word means? Almost! (-))

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A/N: here it is: my lovely gameshow: I Never!

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"Hello ladies and gents!" the host exclaimed excitedly. Actually, he was only excited because he was getting paid, but it was excitement none-the-less. "Welcome to the first installment of I Never!, the game show that reveals your dirty secrets **_and_** gets you horribly drunk at the same time!

Okay, the rules are simple: There's a glass of beer in front of each player. One of the contestants will say something he or she hasn't done before. Then, the contestants who also haven't done that before do… NOTHING! It's the players who **_have_** done it that get to have all the fun and drink away!

Now for our contestants…"

A spotlight went over to the corner of the stage.

"The lovely Miss Sango!" the host called as the demon slayer came from around the curtain. "The to-die-for Miroku!" the host announced as Miroku popped from behind the curtain and made some fan girls in the audience faint. "The wonderful Miss Kagome!" he said as Kagome joined the others on the stage, looking slightly dazed. "And Last, but not least, Inu-Yasha!"

"Where the hell am I?!" Inu-Yasha roared as he appeared on stage.

"Really." Kagome sighed. "I was at home, for once, studying, when all of a sudden POOF! here I am."

"Same here…" Sango sighed. "Well the being at home part…"

"Me too." Miroku added.

"Well don't look at me!" the host defended. "_She's_ the one writing!"

"And what **_exactly_** are you planning to do about it, little man?" I hissed from my spot in the control room.

The host visibly gulped. "Nothing…"

"Good! Now let's start the game!"

"I'm too young to drink." Kagome protested.

"So am I." I growled. "Now go figure."

"Okay…" Kagome said, slightly put out.

"Alrighty then!" the host interrupted, "If there are no questions—"

"I wanna go home!" Inu-Yasha shouted. "Make this crazy bitch let me go!"

I twitched angrily. You tend to do that after being called a bitch.

"Inu-Yasha!" Miroku reprimanded. "You never insult the authoress! You don't know what kind of hell she'll bring upon our shoulders!"

I twitched again. What did they think I was?! The devil's bride?!

"That's it! I'm calling in Sesshy and Kouga in for the next taping!" I shouted angrily over the loudspeaker.

"WHAT!?" Inu-Yasha shouted, surprised. I guessed I fixed his little red wagon.

"Quit arguing before I call Naraku as well." I scoffed.

Everybody gulped. I guess they would after being threatened with their greatest enemy…

"Let's begin, shall we?" the host said timidly.

My contestants took their seats at the 'cast' table. They looked around, kind of lost.

"Who goes first?" Miroku asked innocently.

"Uh…"

"You just can't find good help these days…" I growled with an irritated sigh. "Listen, moron, Inu-Yasha goes first! He is the main character after all. Doi!"

"I've never…uh… I've never groped anyone before" Inu-Yasha confessed.

Miroku chugged his glass, elicting dry glare from everyone.

"Big surprise there…" Sango muttered.

"According to this sheet," my host said as he held the sheet of paper with directions that I gave him, "Kagome is next.

"I've never had…er…dirty thoughts about someone." Kagome said.

Miroku, Inu-Yasha, and…SANGO chugged their glasses. Needless to say, everybody was surprised to see that Sango had though about somebody like THAT.

"Sango, who did you think about?" the host inquired.

"Like I'm gonna tell you!" Sango scoffed.

"Yes you will." I growled over the intercom with a hint of my authoress powers leaking through.

"Okay! I admit!" Sango confessed. "I've thought about Miroku!"

The audience nearly fainted. Their eyes were so big that they reminded me of balloons. They also made me want to take a pin and pop them all…

"I knew it!" Miroku exclaimed as he jumped out of his chair.

"umm…It's Miroku's turn." the host said as he gawked at the chanting Miroku.

It was actually a hilarious sight. Miroku was dancing around in circles chanting: "I knew it! Sango loves me! I knew it!"

"Damnit, Miroku!" Sango growled, annoyed. "It's kinda hard **_not_** to have dirty thoughts about you! With the way you act around women and all. Now just say something you've never done before!"

"Fine…" Miroku sighed after Sango successfully busted his bubble. "I've never seen my right hand!

"No fair! Of course you haven't!" Kagome protested.

"Sorry, Kagome. That was an acceptable 'I Never'. So drink up, you right-hand-seers you!"

Kagome sighed irritated then drank her glass; as did Sango and Inu-Yasha.

"Now it's Sango's turn." announced the host.

"I've never kissed any non-family before." Sango said simply.

"I could remedy that, my love." Miroku said cheekily as he scooted his chair closer to her.

"In your dreams, Monk!" Sango snapped as she flicked him on the nose, injuring a bit more than his pride; she is a demon slayer after all!

Inu-Yasha and Kagome drank their glasses and the alcohol began to take effect on their systems for the first time.

"Look at all the pretty…lights!" Kagome exclaimed drunkenly.

"I think maybe we should call it a day…" the host tried to interrupt.

" NO WAY!" Miroku protested. "I want to see Sango drunk!"

Obviously Sango didn't hear, because if she had, Miroku would bee six feet under by now.

"Kagome, I only…see stars." Inu-Yasha exclaimed as he drunkenly reached out in an effort to 'catch' some of the stars. It was actually kind of sad to see somebody that messed up…

"No, Inu-Yasha." Sango slurred, grabbing him by the shoulder and turning him around, "If you'll look to your left, you'll clearly…see the pretty lights Kagome and I see."

"Miroku, wish granted. Sango's drunk. Happy?" I asked, my voice booming from the loudspeaker.

"Almost…" he said as he edged closer to Sango.

"Sorry, but I can't allow that Miroku." I said as I left the control room.

I came on stage and grabbed him by the shoulder. I think he thought me pretty…

"And just who are you, gorgeous?" the monk asked.

"It's me. And before you ask, Miroku, the answer's no."

"Damn!"

"Before things get any weirder," the host interrupted, "I say that's all for now, folks!"

The audience began to clap.

"Hey!" I exclaimed angrily. "You have no authority over when this ends. Only I, the owner of this pathetic studio, have control over that and I say it ends now!"

"I'm surrounded by idiots…" the host said while shaking his head in shame.

"What was that?!" everybody shouted in their half-coherent state.

"Bye ladies and gents!" the host shouted, ignoring the fact that I now had my claws wrapped around his throat. "Join us next time when, as threatened, Sesshomaru and Kouga will be here."

"Must…Buy…Tickets!" the rabid Sesshomaru fan girls in the audience exclaimed as they ran to the ticket booth.

"What?! She meant that?!" Inu-Yasha shouted frantically.

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A/N: That was rather pointless, wasn't it? Oh well! I had fun writing it and I hope you had fun reading it. Please review!


	2. Fluffy Things and Sailor Songs?

**Disclaimer: **I don't own any of the IY gang. But a girl can dream can't she? I also don't own Popeye the Sailor Man. He's kinda scary if you ask me…

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"Hello, I'm—"

"I don't care about you enough to give you a name." I interrupted. "Therefore you shall remain 'Host' for the entire duration of your life."

"Gee, thanks…" host mumbled. "Anyway, we're back with the second installment of 'I Never!'. Last time, if you'll recall, our contestants were Kagome, Inu-Yasha, Sango and Miroku. Well today, as threatened, our original contestants are back along with Fluffy and Kouga."

Several interesting things were said from the table.

"I, Sesshomaru," the kidnapped demon lord growled, "demand to be told where the hell I am. This Sesshomaru also demands to never be called 'Fluffy' or 'Sesshy' again."

"You're on I Never! Fluffy!" my loyal audience shouted. They love me so much… It could bring a tear to a glass eye!

Sesshomaru failed to see the touching moment and growled. This caused several of his groupies to faint. I, honestly, had to bite my tongue to keep from laughing. 'Twas the life of a groupie!

"As long as I can be with _my Kagome," _Kouga stated, "I don't care where I am."

"If you lay a hand on her I'll kill you!" I'll give you three guesses on who said that. And the first two don't count. …I'll give you a hint: it was Inu-Yasha.

"I dare you dog-turd!"

Both of the canines were about to spring to the other's challenge.

"Please! No fighting!" the host shouted.

**"Shut up!" **Kouga and Inu-Yasha snarled.

"As long as I'm the owner here, there will be no bloodshed!" I growled, winking to Kagome.

"Inu-Yasha, sit!" Kagome shouted, sending Inu-Yasha obediently plunging to the ground.

"So you do love me more, Kagome!" Kouga said jovially.

"No," Kagome sighed, "you just don't have a magical control rosary on…"

"That cut me deep, Kagome. Real deep."

"Poor baby…" I snorted as I rolled my eyes.

"Where's Sango and Miroku?" the host suddenly asked.

"WHAT?!?!?!"

"I found them." Inu-Yasha said as he came from the ground, slightly green in the face.

"I, Sesshomaru, am disgusted by these mortals." …Give you a penny if you figure out who said that.

"But she's not even drunk yet!" I protested. "Besides, the rating for this is TV-14!!!"

"You guys are disgusting." Sango muttered as she came from under the table. "I was fixing Miroku's sandal."

"Under the table?" the host asked suspiciously.

"Kagome," Kouga said slyly, "I have a broken sandal too."

"You don't even wear shoes!" Kagome protested.

"Inu-Yasha, I give you permission to hurt him. That was just disgusting." I said dryly.

"DIE KOUGA!!!" Inu-Yasha bellowed as the two began to fight.

"Let's just play, shall we?" host suggested.

"What about them?" Sango asked, pointed to the feuding canines. Then she crushed the hand that somehow made its way onto her leg.

"You guys play," I said cheerfully. "I'll make sure they don't kill each other."

With that, I bounded off to go watch the fight—both the contestants are hotties—and maybe play ref if needed. And how do I know what happened on the other side of the studio? I watched the play back… It's quite useful for black mailing purposes.

"Okay! Since our other demons are off fighting, Fluffy gets the honor to be first today." the host announced.

"THIS SESSHOMARU DEMANDS NEVER TO BE CALLED FLUFFY!!" Sesshomaru said loudly—he doesn't scream; he's too good for screaming!

"Well you're kinda asking for it. Wearing that 'fluffy' thing and all." Miroku commented as he popped up from under the table. He was rubbing a suspicious bruise on his hand—most definitely the one Sango inflicted.

"Yah, what _is_ that anyway?" Kagome asked.

"Yah, what is it?!" the audience echoed.

Sesshomaru glared at the crowd. This sent 'danger bells' off in my host's head, as Sesshomaru NEVER glares with emotion.

"Can we just play the game…please?"

"I, Sesshomaru," Sesshomaru said regally—though it could be debated if the next line could be called 'regal'—"have never wondered what the white fluffy thing over my shoulder is."

"Then why'd you just call it 'the white fluffy thing over my shoulder'?" Sango questioned.

"To keep you, foolish mortal, guessing! Now drink up. Try to amuse me."

Sango, Miroku, and Kagome drank their glasses; Sango doing so while not looking too happy that her question went unanswered. Suddenly, awfully off pitch sailor music filled the air.

"I, Sesshomaru, demand to know where that awful sailor music is coming from."

Everybody looked over to where Kouga and Inu-Yasha were fighting. The scene that greeted their eyes was Inu-Yasha, Kouga, and myself leaning heavily on each other with beer bottles in our grasp. How do I know this if I was intoxicated at the time? …I watched the playback, you morons!

"I'm…Popeye the sailor man!" Inu-Yasha belted out hiccups interrupting.

"I…live in a garbage can!" Kouga added.

"I love…to go swimming'," I sang melodiously in a tone that could only be compared to…a dying camel.

"With bald-headed women!" we all sang drunkenly.

"I'm Popeye…the sailor man!" Inu-Yasha sang, holding the last note until his drunken hiccup interrupted it. Good thing too, because the studio windows were about to break…

The audience was wide eyed and some were twitching.

"God, they're wasted." Miroku observed.

"That's disgusting…" Sango said with irritation evident in her voice.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Kagome protested. "Netiri's too young to drink!"

"It's like a train wreck: I don't wanna watch, but I gotta." the host mumbled.

"The will of some is easily bent." Sesshomaru said, obviously disgusted by our drunken antics.

"His words are so full of wisdom…" his groupies sighed. Several of them proceeded to faint and were dragged out of the studio by security.

I then saw myself on the jumbo-tron. "Wow! I think I'm on TV! Hi mom!"

"It could…just be the alcohol." Kouga told me.

"Yah…it does crazy things…to ya!" Inu-Yasha agreed.

"Like…make me want to…admit that I…like Inu-Yasha…more than Kagome." Kouga confessed.

The audience needed help scraping their jaws from the floor and keeping their eyes in their sockets. Inu-Yasha grabbed me and scooted FAR away from Kouga.

"That's the beer talking…right?" the host asked hopefully.

"Please keep things like that to yourself, Kouga." Kagome begged, utterly mortified.

"I hope I don't say things like that when I'm drunk." Miroku gulped.

"No, Miroku, you don't." Sango growled. Miroku let out a sigh of relief.

"Inu-Yasha, let…go of me! You're hurting me!" I whined, beating away at his hands. Seriously, he was going to bruise my stomach if he kept it up!

"WHAT!?!?" he shouted—causing my ears to ring—as he pushed me away. "Get away from me! I thought you were…Kagome!"

Everybody gasped—me for need of oxygen, them from being surprised—and stared at the slowly backing away hanyou.

"Inu-Yasha, you wanted to hold me that close?" Kagome asked with a slight blush

"How close…was I holding her?" Inu-Yasha asked with a nervous gulp.

"Too close! You ripped…my shirt!" I hissed angrily as I pushed him further backwards.

The hanyou stumbled backwards in his drunken haze as I stormed off angrily and drunkenly too, because I stumbled into a post.

"Inu-Yasha, watch—out. The stage ends there…" Kagome tried to warn.

Everybody shook their heads in shame as they saw the once proud Inu-Yasha now face down in the tuba of the opening theme orchestra. The poor tuba player stared at the hanyou in his instrument and the security stared as well, not knowing whether to laugh or help him.

"Damnit! Pansies," Inu-Yasha screamed, his drunken voice echoing thanks to the tuba, "what the hell…are you looking at! Get me the hell…out of here!"

"I, Sesshomaru, am disgusted by your incompetence. I am leaving." Sesshomaru said as he proceeded to leave, tail by his groupies (a third of the audience).

"Inu-Yasha, I'll…help you!" Kouga exclaimed drunkenly.

"Well, Ladies and Gents, we didn't get much accomplished, but I'm willing to call it a day." the host announced, trying to bring SOME order to the chaos.

The audience just kind of stared at the face down Inu-Yasha, security guards, and Kouga.

"Let me help…my Inu-chan!" Kouga shouted as security guards held him back.

"If you morons let that…drunken freak near me, I'll…kill you!" Inu-Yasha threatened from his still face down position in the tuba. It was kind of ironic that he called Kouga the drunken freak while he equally smashed.

Once again, the audience just stared.

"I'm scared, Sango." Miroku whispered as he scooted closer to the demon slayer.

"So am I." Sango muttered as she scooted an equal distance away from Miroku.

"Well at least I know you haven't changed…" the host muttered. "Bye Ladies and Gents!"

The poor audience was catching flies with their open mouths…

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**A/N: **Well hello! I liked that chapter. I hope you did! I decided not to abuse Sesshy because then I'd probably be getting hate mail for the rest of my life. He has _way _too loyal a following to mess with and not get hurt…or maimed…or worse…

**Additional disclaimer: **I **DO NOT** think Kouga's gay (though Kouga/Inu yaoi is drool-worthy material…). It just so happens I was in an abusive mood when I wrote this. I luffle Kouga-kun! glomps

**Please review and give me ideas for 'I Never!'s! It takes forever to write it up if I don't have any and that means a ridiculously long wait between chapters. So review!**


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